She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
