at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
