a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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