I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
