To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
