I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
