just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
