Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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