I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
