mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
