I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
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