I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
