I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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