i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
