I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
