Swine flu. Run for my life!
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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