Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
