I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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