Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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