my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
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