Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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