she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
