if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
