Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
