I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
