I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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