I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
