His pubic hair was longer than his dick
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
