I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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