I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
