you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
