then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
