How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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