So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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