So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
