i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
