Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
