god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
