I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
