I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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