I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
