Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
