i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
