Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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