tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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