Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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