i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
