never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
