mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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