Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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