Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
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